Before I came to prison, and for sometime in prison, I was afraid. The reason for my fear was that I haven’t matured yet.
My low self-esteem as as child and my lack of confidence left me vulnerable, feeling withdrawn and repressed. So I ran from my problems and the ones I couldn’t outrun, I learned to medicate my way through.
When I did my first moral inventory it was much broader than just morals. I saw and realized I had no clue to who I really was. I had worn so many masks that I needed to take inventory of those first.
What I fund at the bottom of all my masks was a hurt little boy. I found him through the self-reflection of all the people I had wronged in the past.
They pain my parents inflicted upon me as a child through physical and emotional abuse left me resentful. Looking back, the crimes I had committed were partially motivated by my need for revenge against my parents. It was through making amends that these truths became clear.
I healed that hurt little not inside me by telling him that his father’s beating of his mother was not his fault, that he wasn’t rejected because he was ugly, stupid or worthless. It was that my father was broken, so I forgave him and told the little boy it was okay, that I had his back.
I told the little boy that I had hidden him away and that it was finally safe for him to come out. I also apologized that it took me so long, but that I was here for him now. I have a whole tribe that loves him, and we all have his back.
Dean Steinocher
P16837 / D16-A201-4L
P. O. Box 409089
Ione, CA 95640
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